“I want to just thank everybody, and in particular, God. We love you, God.”
“我只想感谢所有人，尤其是上帝。我们爱你，上帝。”
— Donald Trump, announcing strikes on Iran
- 唐纳德·特朗普（Donald Trump），宣布对伊朗罢工
Hi. It’s Me, God.
你好。是我，上帝。
I know what you’re thinking: I always imagined that if God existed, and cared about one thing, it would be peace. Peace, and keeping children from dying, perhaps? How did You get involved in sending those bombers to Iran, to “lower the temperature of global conflict while simultaneously kind of raising it here in order to lower it,” in the immortal words of freshman Representative Pat Harrigan of North Carolina?
我知道您在想什么：我一直想象，如果上帝存在并且关心一件事，那将是和平。和平，并阻止孩子死亡？您是如何参与将这些轰炸机发送到伊朗的，以“降低全球冲突的温度，同时在这里提高它以降低它”，用新生代表北卡罗来纳州的代表帕特·哈里根（Pat Harrigan）的不朽话语？
Does Your involvement imply that anyone has a plan, other than thinking that they are smarter than every other president? There is a Greek word for that, and it isn’t plan.
您的参与是否意味着任何人都有计划，而认为他们比其他总统更聪明？有一个希腊语，这不是计划。
No God worth Their salt would be tangled up in war, you are thinking, least of all a war being waged by the Trump administration, which has the long-term strategic acumen of an enraged opossum stuck in a trash bag. This is a president who thinks he can will a cease-fire into being via Truth Social posts alone.
在战争中，没有什么值得盐的上帝会纠结起来，您在想，至少在特朗普政府发动的战争中，这是一个长期的战略敏锐的敏锐的敏锐的负鼠，陷入了垃圾袋中。这是一位总统，他认为他可以独自通过真理社会职位停止争夺。
Didn’t you use to make helium and rhinos and the concept of time? What happened to you, God? How did you get mixed up in this?
您不是用来制作氦气和犀牛和时间的概念吗？上帝怎么了？您是如何混淆的？
What can I tell you? Everything that’s going on now is so depressing. I had to tune out for the sake of My mental health, and that may have been taken the wrong way.
我能告诉你什么？现在发生的一切都令人沮丧。为了我的心理健康，我不得不收听，这可能是错误的。
My days look different now from when I was busy inventing that thing that dew does when it gets stuck in a spider’s web and the light catches it just right. Mostly, I spend my time agonizing over who should win Super Bowls and giving people partial piggyback rides across the sand. I lurk perennially just out of range for Margaret.
现在，我的日子看上去与忙于发明露水陷入蜘蛛网时所做的那件事的时代有所不同，光线恰好抓住了它。大多数情况下，我花时间为谁赢得超级碗，让人们在沙滩上骑行赛车。我长期以玛格丽特的范围潜伏。
I care deeply about the outcomes of football games. It matters to me that people pray in the end zone. I pay attention to that kind of thing.
我非常关心足球比赛的结果。人们在末端区域祈祷对我来说很重要。我注意这种事情。
Awards shows, of course, I watch intently, to make certain I am thanked. (I have a long memory for ingratitude.) I am constantly on TikTok, doing oddly specific favors for some people and threatening others, unless they engage in constant prostration. “Nice house,” I am always saying. “Nice life. Nice kid. Would be a shame if something happened to it.” Remember what I did to Job? (Allegedly.)
当然，我专心地观看了奖项节目，以确保我要感谢。（我对内心有很长的记忆。）我一直在tiktok上，为某些人做奇怪的特定恩宠，并威胁其他人，除非他们不断屈服。“不错的房子，”我总是说。“美好的生活。好孩子。如果发生了什么事，那将是可耻的。”还记得我做的工作吗？（据称。）
I am big into decor. Look for my influence on a driftwood sign between eat and love . I work hard so that influencers have blessed days. I come up with personalized plans for Drake and people who are going through rough breakups. I am always sending messages, especially around lottery-ticket purchases. I made sure Nicole Scherzinger got that Tony Award. I decided whether George Santos stayed in office. I looked out for Bob Menendez, up to a point. I told a pastor in Denver to sell some very dubious cryptocurrency.
我很喜欢装饰。寻找我对饮食和爱之间浮木标志的影响。我努力工作，以便有影响力的日子祝福。我提出了针对德雷克的个性化计划，以及正在经历粗暴分手的人。我一直在发送消息，尤其是在彩票购买周围。我确保Nicole Scherzinger获得了Tony奖。我决定乔治·桑托斯（George Santos）是否待在办公室。我看着鲍勃·梅南德斯（Bob Menendez），直到一点。我告诉丹佛的一位牧师出售一些非常可疑的加密货币。
When I’m not backseat-driving high-school football coaches’ prayers, I love to pose for John McNaughton paintings. I’m there, whispering my thoughts to Mikes (Huckabee, Johnson) and telling them I like that they’re in charge. I care if Speaker of the House Mike Johnson watches porn. I care a great deal!
当我不是回到座位的高中足球教练的祈祷时，我喜欢为John McNaughton的绘画摆姿势。我在那儿，对米克斯（Huckabee，Johnson）轻声说我的想法，并告诉他们我喜欢他们负责。我关心房子的发言人迈克·约翰逊（Mike Johnson）看色情。我很关心！
I am involved in everything these days, except what matters. So many small, weird yeses to disguise the enormity of the no’s. I help out with awards, and I listen to Speaker Johnson’s concerns, and I assist with personal vanity projects, and I ignore everything else. Yes, everything. Need to send more bombs somewhere? Sure, especially if you think it’ll help your brand! Just don’t ask me to help out a single child or bend the arc of the universe toward justice anymore. I’m taking some time for Me now. You’re welcome, Donald Trump. Good luck with everything! So excited to collaborate on collectible Bibles with you!
这些天，我参与了一切，除了重要的事情。如此众多的小而奇怪的是，可以掩盖No的巨大性。我会为奖项提供帮助，并听取演讲者约翰逊的担忧，并协助个人虚荣项目，而我忽略了其他一切。是的，一切。需要在某个地方发送更多炸弹吗？当然，尤其是如果您认为它会对您的品牌有所帮助！只是不要要求我帮助一个孩子，或者再将宇宙的弧线弯腰正义。我现在花一些时间给我。不客气，唐纳德·特朗普。祝一切顺利！很高兴与您合作在收藏圣经上合作！
